Caught in the act
by free-from-ed
Summary: Hotch begins to suspect Emily has an eating disorder. What will be do when he catches her in the act? *trigger warning bulimia/ednos*
1. Chapter 1

Full, she feels full. So full, but she can't purge. The team is on assignment, and they have to share rooms tonight. She lays there, the weight of dinner compressing her chest. With every breath, she feels the disgusting grease swish back and forth. And there she lays, immobile.

"Prentiss?" Hotch's voice wakes her from her sleep.

"Hotch? What time is it?" she replies.

"Almost 7.30, we leave in 15 minutes."

"Alright, I'm up."

She hops up, rushing into the shower, as Hotch leaves the room ready for breakfast. Stupid phone alarm for not waking her. Fortunately she is sharing a room with Hotch, as the bureau is cutting back on their funding, meaning no more individual rooms. She pauses briefly to stare at her stomach in the mirror, it seems larger than yesterday. Today is not a good day.

Showered and dressed she rushes out of the room at 7.43, with no time to join the others for breakfast.

"Emily, I saved you a croissant!" Reid's voice rings out as she scurries towards the car.

"Oh, thanks Reid. I'll have it a bit later," she replies, placing it in a napkin in her bag.


	2. Chapter 2

At the station, the team sets about analyzing the latest details from a serial killer who hunts young couples in cars. But Prentiss can't keep her mind on the case. All she can think about is that croissant, how she wants it, needs it, her stomach feels so empty.

She excuses herself, and heads to the bathroom. Rummaging through her bag, she finds the croissant, and bites in. She barely tastes it as it is gone in under a minute. More, she wants more, but she has nothing. Her mind flitters to the vending machine they passed on the way through in the walkway. She slowly creeps open the bathroom door. Looking around the corner, she sees the team is still examining the crime scene photos, so she makes a quick dash back towards the machine. Sneaking back into the bathroom anew, she frantically rips off the wrappers and begins to devour the chocolate she has bought. 3 packets later, she hears a knock on the bathroom door.

"Prentiss? You in there?" Rossi's voice sounds through the door. "We're about to head to the dump site for a closer look. We'll be at the car."

"Coming," she manages to reply after swallowing the last mouthful.


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting there in the car, the reality of what she has just done begins to consume her. She has to get it out. She is already fatter today, how will her body stand another day of bad eating.

She tries to follow the conversation as they drive through the suburbs to the surrounding woods. 15 minutes later, they arrive at the site where the first 2 bodies were found. A pained expression covers her face, as the bodies further unselttle her stomach. Yet Emily is barely seeing their bodies, merely the outline of her ever expanding frame.

"I think I'm gona be sick." Her breaths are shallow as she walks behind a tree and allows the content of her stomach to empty without assistance. Perhaps there were some perks to working on disturbing cases after all.

"Emily?" She feels Hotch's hand on her back, soothing her as she continues to dry reach when nothing more will come.

"Sorry Hotch, I guess it just got to me today."

"Don't worry about it. Morgan is going to drive you back to the station, you two can liaise with us from there." He stares down at the ground and wonders where all the brown liquid came from, was that chocolate?

"On second thought, I'll take you." Hotch senses something is up, and decides to handle this one personally. "Morgan can handle things here."

"No Hotch, it's ok, I'll stay, just give me a minute," she manages to reply. She has no intention of being alone with him right now.

He seems to deliberate for a moment.

"Fine, but have some water first." He turns away and walks back towards the rest of the team, and Emily follows moments behind him.

Rossi had brought over some coffee and doughnuts for the team.

"I take it no doughnuts for you!" Rossi says, attempting to make light of the situation. "Here's some water kiddo."

"Thanks Rossi." Emily drinks in the pure, calming water, steadies herself, and tries to refocus.


	4. Chapter 4

Later that night, they call it a day, and head back to the hotel. Prentiss is relieved to have had an excuse to skip dinner, but now she finds herself starving. She stays in the main lobby of the hotel, briefly relaxing with the rest of the team before they head to bed. So long as she stays with people she will be ok.

Eventually they all retire to their respective rooms, and Prentiss finds herself alone with Hotch and Rossi in the lobby. They are finishing a game of 500, and Prentiss is winning. It is a good distraction for her.

After losing yet again, Rossi decides to pack it in, and leaves Hotch and Emily to fight it out.

"Well, I think I should call it a night too." Hotch stands to leave, as Emily packs away the cards.

"Good Idea. I hope my alarm will wake me tomorrow!"

"I can wake you again if its playing up," Hotch offers.

"Thanks, that'd be good actually." Emily is actually happy they needed to double up rooms for this case. At least she won't have to be alone at night, she knows she won't be able to eat, not with Hotch there sleeping in the next bed.

They enter their room, and Hotch begins to rummage through his go bag for his nightwear.

Hotch keeps his gaze on this clothes as he casually starts a conversation to ease any awkwardness. "The only thing I like about staying in hotels are the little chocolate mints they leave on your pillow. It's nice to have a treat before bed, don't you think Prentiss?"

Emily looks up, a little too quickly. Her stomach begins aching again with the renewed hope of food. Just one chocolate mint should be fine. Surely.

"Sometimes I do."

Slightly intrigued by her tone, he continues, "I guess they must seem a bit less appealing when you're under the weather. Has your stomach settled?"

"Mostly, I think I might save my mint until tomorrow just to be safe."

"Good idea, I'll do the same then," he replied.

Hotch hopped into his bed, and rolled over.

"Goodnight Prentiss."

"Night Hotch."


	5. Chapter 5

2 hours later, she wakes from a restless sleep. Half opening her eyes, she staggers over to the bathroom. When she returns to bed, she spots the chocolate mint on her dresser. A second later she has unwrapped it and it is in her mouth. She barely tastes it as she swallows, and begins to scan for more.

She notices the mint next to Hotch's bed, but she know she can't take it. Still, it sits there, binding her attention. Her mind starts to flicker, where can she get more? She slips on a hotel robe, and some slippers, and slowly creeps out of the hotel room into the corridor. It is 2am so the kitchen is shut. She wanders back down to the lobby to the vending machine, before realizing she doesn't have any money on her. Staring at the glass shield between her and her release she slams the front of the machine in frustration, causing 2 packets to fall down.

She pauses for a few moments, that was louder than she intended, but no-one seems to have been roused. She removes the spoils from the machine: twisties and a blue lolly python. Not ideal, but better than nothing.

She takes the packets to the corner, and begins to eat in the dark. All too soon, the packets are empty. Not game enough to risk waking anyone, she decides against striking the machine again, and instead pours herself some water from the sink in the corner. The water seems to be helping, so she drinks another cup and begins to feel fuller.

5 cups later, she feels at bursting point, and the twisties in her stomach are no longer agreeing with her. She begins to flip through her options. They have an ensuite bathroom back in her room, but Hotch would be too light a sleeper. She could go find a side street, but 2am isn't exactly safe at the best of times, let alone when they're investigating a serial killer! She looks down at the sink where her empty glass is resting. It will have to be here. Everyone should be sound asleep, it is the best option, but she will have to be efficient, and quiet.


	6. Chapter 6

Hotch POV

Hotch hears a soft click, and turns over. He sees Emily is no longer in her bed, and assumes she can't sleep. He wonders what is keeping her up tonight, she seems to be a bit off over the last few days. He glances over and sees her mint chocolate wrapper lying on the floor. He is not sure, but something tells him to be wary of it. Maybe it was the chocolate she threw up earlier, but the bodies just made her sick, right? Surely everyone is allowed to let a case get to them from time to time?

Suddenly he hears a loud bang, snapping him out of his thoughts. He throws back the covers, picks up his gun and crosses the room in his boxers. Slowly opening the door, he allows his senses to spread out. Hearing nothing, he makes his way down the corridor towards the lobby, gun in hand. As he approaches the corner entry, he pauses, hearing a soft rumbling. It sounds like someone scrunching something plastic. Peering around the corner, he realizes it is just Emily, fighting to get a packet through an unforgiving dispenser slot in the vending machine. He relaxes, and is about to enter the room, when something makes him hesitate. Instead, he waits, listening.

The packet is quickly opened, almost frantically. He hears soft chewing, but such a high intensity. After a few minutes the sounds stop, and he hears the sink run. She sure is drinking a lot of water, almost too much.

His breath catches as he hears a new sound join the running water. This one is unmistakable. This one, he can't overlook. Slowly, he takes a breath, and enters the lobby.


	7. Chapter 7

Emily POV

The running water flows over her hand, as she begins the process she knows too well. Her body begins to respond as her focus restricts to the here and now, the task at hand. Her ears start ringing as more green texture joins the water flowing down the sink. Her world seems simple, focused for once. She has the tools she needs to solve the current problem, and can see the results. She needed this release tonight.

"Emily." Hotch's voice sounds softly across the room.

She pauses. Was she imagining it? Slowly, she straightens up leaving her dirtied hand in the sink. She turns around slowly, face all puffy, to see Hotch 5 metres away, standing there. His face is calm, too calm, as she tries to scan it, looking for clues as to what he is thinking. He is not shocked, more pained.

She recovers well, deciding that acting defensive would not help her situation. Better to try a half-truth mixed in and see how far she can get.

"Hey Hotch, I wasn't feeling well, but I didn't want to wake you, so I came out here for a bit."

She turns back toward the sink and rinses her hands and face, before quickly drying them on her robe. She quickly glances to see no large chunks of evidence are left in the sink, and turns to face Hotch again.

He is still staring at her, motionless. She wishes he would say something, that way she would know how much maneuvering she would need to do to get out of this.

"Sorry to hear you're still feeling unwell," he replies with no conviction.

"Yeah, hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow. We should probably try to get some rest."

They walk back in silence to their room, neither one of them approaching the subject they both know is needed. Officially he can't know, or else he will have to report it, and he can't send her back to Strauss while he and the team remain here on the case. This conversation will have to wait until they are done.


	8. Chapter 8

2 days later, and Emily has managed to never be alone with him. He is almost impressed, always having Morgan weigh in on their conversations, and even 'falling asleep' before he joins her in the hotel room. He can't falter her work though, she found the signature that ended up helping them track down the unsub. It makes him wonder what really goes on under her analytical facade.

Now having solved the murders, they board the jet, and make their way back to Quantico. While the others rest, Hotch takes the opportunity to sit down right next to Prentiss.

Seeing the slightly tensed expression on Hotch's face, Emily forces her expression to remain neutral. This is not the time to give in, she is nearly home, the last few days are nearly behind her.

Hotch begins with a compliment. "Well done for catching the signature on that guy, we wouldn't have solved this one without you, you're a real asset to the team."

Hotch looks her right in the eye. She knows where this conversation is going.

"Thanks. I can't wait to get home and have a nice relaxing bath, to wash the smell of the woods off me."

She smiles at him, as they both continue to skirt around the issue. That is just fine by her.

"Actually, I thought we could have dinner."

Nice one Hotch, she thinks to herself. Direct, but vague.

"Maybe some other time, I'm pretty beat," she replies.

"Tonight is fine." He replies, his tone final, before getting up and returning to the other end of the plane.

She sits there in silence for the rest of the trip. Apparently this isn't going to be as easy to avoid as she's hoped.


	9. Chapter 9

At 6.30 she hears a knock on the door. She walks over in her apron holding a ladle in her hand. Taking a moment to centre herself, she paints a smile on her face, and opens the door.

"Hotch, come in, I made pasta."

"Smells delicious." Hotch decides compliments should always be welcome. Her friendly demeanor is no surprise to him, but he is here for a reason tonight, and no matter what, he intends to get there. "I brought something for afterwards, but it's a surprise."

She looks down at the box he is holding. Nothing inside that massive cake-tin can bring her anything but misery, but she smiles again and thanks him for the thought. The night is beginning quite civilly.

A few glasses of wine later, and Emily is starting to feel a bit light headed. She looks over at Hotch, and notices his demeanor begin to change. Moments before they had been relaxing at the table, finishing off some pasta, but she knows it is about to hit.

"Emily, I think we both know the reason I wanted to come here tonight, the reason I needed to come."

She stares at Hotch for a moment, she will have to pull her best performance yet to get through this one.

As if on cue, her head drops. "I know, I've been letting the cases get to me, and its been starting to make my body sick. I know I shouldn't react to the bodies like that, usually I'm good at compartmentalizing."

She continues look downwards, staring at the space between them. She is wishing him to buy it, but even as she sits there, she knows he's not done.

"Emily, you made yourself throw up."

"Hotch, I really wasn't feeling great after the dump site. It's been a rough few days, maybe I had a stomach bug too."

Not allowing himself to be deterred, Hotch continues. "You've been binging in private. This isn't a stomach bug, or the result of dead bodies. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong."

"Look Hotch," Emily begins, raising her gaze, "I think you've got the wrong idea, are you actually trying to imply I've got an eating disorder?"

Her face is so believable he almost doubts himself for a moment, but he doesn't allow his momentum to be stopped.

"Do you?" he pursues his questions.

"I've just been stressed."

"That doesn't answer the question. Emily, have you been binging and purging?"

"I don't really see why we're having this conversation."

"Then why won't you answer the question?"

"Because I shouldn't have to!" she finally snaps. "You left Reid to deal with his Dilaudid issues, why are you pressing me. You know I can't tell you even if there is an issue."

"Emily, you need to tell me first thing when there is an issue."

"Then you have to report it."

"Did I report Reid?"

"No."

"Then why would you think I would betray your trust? I let Reid deal with his issues on his own, because that is what he needed. I was always there, and I let him know that. I need you to know that too, but you can't start to deal with it, until you admit there is an issue."

"I know there is an issue, ok. I'm not blind, I see what I'm doing."

"And what is that." Damn him for being so persistent.

"I...Hotch, please, lets just..."

"What do you do Emily. Emily!"

"Fine! I do! I throw up sometimes." Why would he not let this go! "It no biggie, it just helps me feel more centred. We see some crazy shit Hotch. Sometimes I don't know how to process it. This...bulimia... it makes my world make sense. Feeling full, and relieving it, it's a problem I can solve, something I can change, a pain I can understand. I can't find anything else that replaces it."

Hotch relaxes slightly, finally he is getting somewhere.

"Look, Emily, this is the kind of issue you need professional help with, just like Reid did."

"But..."

He raises his hand slightly as she begins to object, "Yet, I know for official reasons you can't seek it through the usual channels, but I would strongly recommend an anonymous support group. I can get you some phone numbers, sorry, I will get you some phone numbers tomorrow, but it is going to take a lot of will power to get through this. And a lot of honesty. I need you to be accountable to me. Be honest with me, no matter how well you're going, and I'll let you process things at your own pace."

They sit there for a few minutes. Emily's face is no longer neutral, but not something Hotch can put his finger on either. He has a feeling she doesn't often allow people to see issues that truly toy with her. She doesn't allow that power to be spread around. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, as if about to speak, before thinking better of it. Hotch sits there patiently, waiting to see how she will respond. It all depends on how she will choose to react, right here, with everything out on the table.

Finally, she hesitantly breaks the silence. "Honesty? Hotch, it's been 4 years. I've stopped for a few months here and there, but I keep coming back to it, because there is something missing inside me Hotch, and I can't work it out. The only thing I can try to do is fill the emptiness, but I'm never full Hotch. I'm never satisfied, no matter how much or little I eat. I can't find peace."

Hotch sits there, listening intently. He feels oddly privileged, as he is sure only a rare few have ever been allowed into Emily's private thoughts.

"How can I stop something I can't understand. My mind changes Hotch, and I'm 'in it'. Then suddenly I'm back out, and doing well. I don't have control of the change, so how can I ever be normal?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But I do know you don't have to try alone, if you don't want to. I'm happy to leave you to deal with it, but after hearing you speak, I'm wondering if that's what you truly want. Do you want me to stay with you for a while?"

"Hotch, you don't have to..."

"Would that help you?" Hotch persists.

"I mean, I can say yes now, but I'll just change my mind when I feel the need..." she admits.

"Then I wont let you, if you want. Ask me to stay, and to not leave, no matter what, just for 21 days, enough to start you on a new habit. Ask me, and I will. I'll remind you that it's your choice. I'll remind you that you want me to stop you, that you want me to stay even when you try to make me leave. Ask me, if you're sure you're ready."

"I'm sure, Hotch. In this moment I'm sure."

"Then I'll stay. And tomorrow I will get you those phone numbers."

"You really are the most selfless man I've met."

Hotch looks away, a brief flash of regret showing on his face. Selfless would not be a word he would use to refer to himself, not after everything.

Emily gently raises his chin, until he looks in her eyes. "You know you don't have to spend your life atoning for your mistakes. Thank you for offering to help, but I also know where it comes from. You need to forgive yourself Hotch."

Hotch let out a soft sigh with a half smile. Even in the middle of one of the hardest conversations of her life, this woman couldn't stop profiling.

"Now who's reading too much into behaviour," he quips, and they both end up laughing, easing the tense atmosphere of the night. 21 days. That would be the first step, starting tonight.

Hotch lays out a yoga mat at the end of Emily's bed, just for tonight. He will bring a better mattress over tomorrow, but tonight he isn't letting her out of his sight. Promises start hard, and he knows that if he can help her through the first 24 hours, this will help build her up. This is something he can effect change in. Prentiss was right, this wouldn't fix his problems, but at least he feels he is doing some good, changing someone's problems. Maybe someday he will feel he has done enough and his guilt will leave him too. But for now, Prentiss is his focus, and she will get all the help he can give.


End file.
